Two recent accidents in London and Paris have been linked to Americans' eating habits but fortunately did not result in deaths or injuries.

In the first incident, the Eiffel Tower began to lean very heavily to the left. Security personnel, afraid that a structural problem had suddenly developed, ordered all visitors to move toward the middle. At that point, the tower righted itself. It was later determined that a preponderance of American tourists standing near one wall of the tower on the first level had caused it to lean dangerously.

"America is the land of all you can eat and the $2.99 buffet," commented one French official. "Quelle horror! Sacre bleu! Perhaps that morning too many Americans who had recently partaken of that kind of meal came to the Eiffel Tower at the same time!"

Commented another, "They also like our bread so much that they buy many baguettes and carry them around all day to munch on. If you add two baguettes to each pocket of a 250-lb man and multiply that by 70 or 100, you are going to have some serious problems."

In London, too many American tourists sat on the right side of a red double-decker bus, blocking traffic, causing the bus to lean dangerously to one side, and allowing only the minature Smart cars to fit underneath the temporary tunnel caused by the stalled bus.

"It's our very own Chunnel!" chortled one driver as he carefully steered his tiny car past the bus. "Look, the bus provides protection from the rain as I drive by!"

The tourists were dispersed among various parts of the bus, enabling the bus to right itself and continue on its merry way.

"Americans are delightful people, but they do have a tendency to supersize it," said one NHS official. "That may be fine when you have 50 states to spread out in, although it certainly isn't healthy, but it does create transportation problems in England and elsewhere."

Signs will soon be posted at major tourist attractions throughout Europe, reminding Americans to disperse themselves among the generally slimmer Europeans and not to clump together.

30th August 2004

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