Scotland 'Full of Arseholes'

What many have suspected for years has now been confirmed - Scotland is full of arseholes.

The claim is made in a report by the National Census Analysis Group, which examined in detail the demographic breakdowns provided by the most recent UK wide census.

John Sargent of NCAG said, "Scotland showed consistently high results across a wide range of negative indicators. Ignorance, ill health, a misplaced superiority complex and a raft of other self-destructive behaviours show Scotland to be one of the worst countries in the Western world for just about anything you care to name".

The report, which runs to 115 pages, cites numerous instances of disappointing national characteristics and warns that without corrective action, Scotland is doomed to become "the men's toilets in the third division football ground of Europe."

Ten reasons why Scotland is full of arseholes
Highest rate of teenage pregnancies in Europe ( 9,000 a year)
Riven by sectarianism
Huge incidences of heart disease and cancers
Home to vicious racism (up to and including the murder of refugees)
Confused view of history (often leading to anti-English attitudes)
Political ignorance (even when ripped off financially by politicians)
High degrees of piety
Increasing rates of crimes by working class people against other working class people
Above average levels of obesity
Massive use of high interest store cards

Said Sargent, "It is sad and ironic that the country which gave the world the Enlightenment has descended into a morass of suspicious alcoholic dimwits incapable of getting out of the bath without the assistance of a hoist and a vodka and the promise of a fight once they're dry."

The NCAG report brought a surprisingly measured response from MSPs. A spokesman for the SNP claimed that the findings only strengthened the case for a fully independent Scotland.

"Until the Scots people take charge of their own affairs we will never be able to tackle these issues head on and move forward to the future." Archie Sim of the SSP said: "There is nothing in this report which cannot be resolved by education."

Cammy Shields of the Scottish Tourist Board was more forthright. "It is disgraceful to single Scotland out like this. I'm sure that if you were to look at these figures proportionately, you'd find that the bastard English have got just as many problems." more
18th August 2004

Shocking New Study Reveals Millions of Nation’s Sheep Afflicted With Shit-Covered Ass Disease

A new study commissioned by Newcastle University has revealed that almost all of the nation’s sheep are currently suffering, to one degree or another, from Shit-Covered Ass Disease.

“A lot of us in the scientific community were shocked by the data,” admitted Gary Powell, an Associate Professor of Farm Animal Biology at Newcastle University. “I mean we knew the condition was prevalent, but to see it in basically a hundred percent of the sheep population, well, it just staggers the mind.”

Farmers, however, were not surprised by the news.

“Sheep don’t wipe their asses,” said David Jones, a local sheep farmer. “Never have, never will.”

Jones went on to explain his theory that the reason so many sheep are afflicted by SCAD, as scientists have dubbed it, is that sheep do a lot of shitting, and that shit tends to stick to wool.

“That’s just my opinion though,” added Jones, who went on to explain that, “I ain’t no scientist boy o’.”

The full report will be published in next month’s edition of Wonders of Science.

19th August 2004

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