ASLEF and the RMT today jointly announced that their London Underground members will be running the first of several "perfect service days" from 8pm on Tuesday 31 August until 8pm Wednesday 1 July.

The day of action is cynically timed to provide a perfect tube service spread over a two day period, whilst allowing the Unions to officially classify this as just a 24 hour 'period of perfection'. The action will result in all trains running exactly on time, with zero malfunctions or delays of any sort at all.

London Underground staff will also ensure that all tube stations will be in pristine condition, all litter will be removed on a five minutely basis, and the complete escalator network will be in full working order, with staff carrying passengers up stairs on their backs at the first hint of a malfunction - even as slight as if the handrail seems to be going faster than the stairs. As a further part of this action, no passengers will be allowed to throw themselves on the line.

An ASLEF spokesperson, Comrade John Smith, said today "It is time that London Underground and the Government realise that they cannot continually pressurise tube staff to deliver a service that is total, complete, and enjoyable to all its customers. There has been a misconception for years that Londoners actually want a reliable tube service. This is simply not the case. This 24 hour dose will remind everyone how unbearable perfection really is."

London Underground hit back with its own statement. "The LU is sickened at the reality of yet another day of action directed by the Unions." The company is considering seeking an injunction to stop the action, claiming it would be illegal to run the tube efficiently.

London Mayor Ken Livingstone broke away from a seven-course working lunch at the Dorchester to add to the condemnation of both sides. "This action is totally unacceptable in any circumstances but unavoidable because it is all the Government's fault."

London roads are expected to be jammed for longer than usual during the evening rush hour, as many commuters quickly pop into their cars and aimlessly drive around for a bit having got home slightly earlier than usual.

At time of going to press, it is rumoured that several rail franchises in the South East are considering similar action although Railtrack have responded by saying, "We'd like to see them try - you can rely on us to make sure that the service will be at its normal incompetent level, whatever the workers try to do."

26th August 2004

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