The nature of the Anglo-American "Special Relationship" has been called into question once more as it was announced that the British Prime Minister had offered the US President the city of Cardiff as a target for the first live test of his "Son of Star Wars" defence grid programme.

According to the plans drawn up by Secret Washington Missile Defence Laboratory "Ka-Boom!", a live nuclear missile will be launched from a US submarine in the Mediterranean at the Welsh thoroughfare, and the so-far untested orbital lasers will have a matter of minutes to shoot it out of the sky before it devastates "an area the size of Cardiff" which will in this case actually be Cardiff.

Scientists claim that the Welsh people have little to worry about as there is "at least a 54% chance of success - even more if we can be bothered to concentrate a bit." Although, they have warned that nearby towns and cities should expect "collateral damage" as the aptly named "Death Star" satellite's lasers are aligned.

Speaking in the Commons, yesterday, Tony Blair defended the decision. "We've all got to play our part in the war on bad people. I'd trust George with my life, and there's no better way for the people of south Wales to show their willingness in the global war on nastiness than to do the same. You're either with us, or against us. Either way, our legal team assures me that we have the right to incinerate you whenever we deem proper. It's your choice."

In a special broadcast on S4C, Bush told the Welsh people "Look, you liberals are moanin' now. But when we switch this thing on for real in a couple of years, and all the old cold war treaties go up in smoke, you better pray that this thing works. Yeah, sure it's risky - and there will be many casualties. But as my Saudi friends point out, if you want an omelette, you've got to break a few legs."

Asked why the test was being performed with live missiles and human targets, instead of - say - in the middle of the desert or at the bottom of the ocean, Bush responded "You wouldn't believe the bullshit I'd get from the environmentalists if I suggested that. In any case, I think this is really going to sharpen the minds of those boys in white coats. Y'know, if they know it's just a simulation, they don't really give it everything they've got."

The President was also criticised over the US Army's new range of weapons, which some "unpatriotic commies" claim are unnecessarily inflammatory. "The TurbanHunter3000 missiles are not indiscriminate," he claimed. "They specifically only target people dressed like the terrorists in movies I've seen on TV."

Meanwhile, the people of Cardiff have been given government leaflets to read entitled "What To Do In The Event Of You and Your City Being Destroyed In a Sixty Megaton Nuclear Blast" and "Fifty Thousand Times More Powerful Than The Bomb That Destroyed Hiroshima - How Big Is That Really?" As Emyrs Williams, a local resident told us "It couldn't be worse than Rhys Ifans, or God Save Us Hywel bloody Bennett, now could it?"

23rd August 2004

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