Passive smoking is good for you!

"Passive smoking will increase your stamina, enhance your sex drive and make your penis 4 inches longer (men), or your boobies 3 inches bigger or smaller (women), depending on where you put your tongue when you inhale", says the latest report written for the tobacco industry.

These findings have been welcomed by 'extreme smokers' in society, especially those who like to walk up to people on the street to puff smoke into their faces.

Before this report was published, it was common knowledge that passive smoking made people's lungs go all 'gooey', causing them to die in a heap on the floor.

But, following this report, passive smoking can now to be welcomed with 'open arms'.

Passive smoking is defined in the report as that perfect moment of every day when someone in the same space as you, lights up a cigarette, creating 'that quintessential cloud of deliciousness' which is made generously available, by others, for your lungs to enjoy.

This latest report seeks to redress what it refers to as 'the woossy, liberal, anti passive smoking lobby' which has 'got the upper hand' over the last few years. Smoking is now banned in more offices than ever before.

The report itemises two of the benefits of a smoky working environment:

· Smelly co-workers are less noticeable, helping psychological trauma in those people and a much reduced rate of suicide.
· A smoky atmosphere was widely used in the 1970's to disguise numbers in pie charts during presentations - it is even suggested that the Enron scandal may never have come to light had the company employed a smoke everywhere policy, allowing thousands of workers to retire on stock gains denied them by the 'evil anti-passive smoking Nazis'.

Passive smoking in bars was also a healthy endeavor, says the report, with bar staff confirming that passive smokers were over 2% more docile than customers in the non-smoking area.

The report criticises in particular the 'anti-passive smoking working environment':

"Office plants, popular in non-smoking offices, cause a large number of accidents every year. Plants generally die quickly in smoking environments and thus this danger is 'significantly reduced", said the report.

The report concludes that not only is passive smoking good for you, primary smoking also offers many health benefits.

This from the report: "Smoking stops people putting more dangerous things in their mouths, such as lead piping, asbestos and vials of SARS bacteria. This alone saves millions of lives every year.

The report was commissioned by The League for World Tobacco Growers and Cigaretteers.

3rd August 2004

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