Wheelchair Access for Suicide Bombers

Following the assassination of Hamas spiritual leader Sheikh Ahmed Yassin, the militant disabled rights group "Wheels of Freedom" has taken the resultant media furore as an opportunity to highlight the plight of disabled terrorists across the world, who they believe are being unfairly discriminated against.

The groups's prolific spokesperson, Dr Hugo Z Hackenbush spoke from his wheelchair outside the group's headquarters in North West London. "Great strides – or should that be great trundles – have been made in the advancing of equal rights for the disabled over the years," explained the good Doctor, doing a cheeky wheelie, "but the upsurge in terrorist activity has highlighted the great inequalities that remain in the field of international blood-letting."

"Almost all suicide bombers have so far been able-bodied men between the ages of 16 and 35, with perhaps the odd able-bodied woman or child used on occasion," he continued. "This is clearly unacceptable. We know for a fact that there are many disaffected cripples who wish to die for their beliefs, taking as many leg-using people with them as they can. We believe that the leaders of the active terrorist organisations are overlooking their differently-abled brethren due to outdated stereotyping, but also because of the woeful lack of disabled access to Government buildings, buses and mountain caves in some territories."

Clearly warming to his theme, Dr Hackenbush stood to continue his address to the assembled press corps. "We would like to take this opportunity to highlight the fact that Sheikh Ahmed Yassin, despite being frail and wheelchair-bound, was the catalyst for many a murder in the Middle East. People didn't concentrate on what he couldn't do, but judged him instead on results alone. The fact that Israel thought it necessary to use high explosives to remove this feeble old man from the face of the earth is a testament to his successes in life, regardless of whether his legs worked or not. We feel that more wheelchair-bound citizens could make a difference if only more investment was put into the construction of access ramps in popular public buildings and places."

Dr Hackenbush's clarion call has been taken up by other pressure groups, with nods of approval coming from various societies representing the blind, the infirm and the terminally ill. Said one Derek Gadd, a spokesman for the St Bartholomew's Hospice in Oswestry, "A lot of our residents are deeply bitter about the hand God has dealt them and have a lot of hatred in their hearts. If only council planners would consider the needs of frail people with a drip in one arm, many would happily contribute to the cause of an extremist group through the donation of their bodies as slowly moving bombs. And let's face it, it's not as if they've got much to lose, bless them."

8th August 2004

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