White House Painted Pink by Gay Marriage Activists

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Daybreak at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Monday morning revealed a sight that was both applauded and condemned. The most recognised symbol of American government, the seat of the Presidency -- the White House -- has been painted bright pink. A group calling itself Marriage Is For All, or MIFA, has claimed responsibility for the vandalism. "There are 25 known gay senators, 75 known members of the house, and untold numbers of gay and lesbian staffers," the group said in a statement faxed to The Washington Post, "The American government is already very 'pink', so we felt a change of decor was appropriate."

Washington officials don't agree. "It's called 'The White House', the colour is not up for public comment," said one, shaking his head, examining the rough paint job, "Did they consider what it was going to cost to put this all back in shape? It'll be a government project, we'll probably end up paying $150 a can for the paint, we'll design and manufacture our own paint brushes, and Halliburton will probably end up handling the whole thing. There goes the entire AIDS budget for the next 5 years."

"I don't have anything against gays, lesbians, or any other deviants," said President Bush to his traveling press corp, after being briefed on the protest aboard Air Force One, "I want it nailed down exactly what marriage is and what it's not, but that's a legal definition issue, not a sexual orientation one. It's not about prejudice; it's about protection of the marital arrangement. Why can't these whacko's understand that?"

Security staff members are being heavily questioned by the FBI, who believes someone on the inside had to assist in order to make such a large project happen overnight. "We know somebody let them in, with their equipment and materials. We estimate the job required fifty people and at least three truckloads of materials. They didn't 'sneak past' anybody, they were let in," said one agent. "I let them in," admitted a guard under condition of anonymity, "And I'd do it again. The Constitution isn't a work in progress, and it shouldn't be used as a tool to restrict freedoms."

Attacks on the White House and other Washington area governmental buildings are a felony, punishable by 25 years in prison. "That applies to anyone assisting in the attacks," said FBI Special Agent Joyce Walker, "And regardless of its political nature, this qualifies as an attack. I hope they think it was worth it, because we are going to catch them." "I think it's pretty," said a twelve-year old girl, touring Washington with her family, "White is just so... blah."

26th July 2004

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