All computer users were today warned to be on their guard against a new kind of techno-threat. It seems that Middle Eastern warmongers have succeeded in creating a strain of anthrax which can be sent as an email attachment.

The first victim was a BBC journalist, Martin Lipsom, who received an anonymous email with the subject line "Death to the infidels". Oblivious to the foot high "Do Not Open Any Email Attachments You Are Unsure Of, You Terrible Fuckwit" notice pinned above his monitor, Lipsom double-clicked the anthrax.exe file and hours later was admitted to hospital and pumped full of antibiotics. Meanwhile, the virus was working its way through his address book, distributing itself across the country.

IT expert Dr Hugo Z Hackenbush explained to us through an Army Surplus gas mask that there was nothing to be worried about. "The anthrax spores are attached to the email at the server," he told us, breaking into a cold sweat, "and when the email is split into individual packets to be transmitted across the Internet, the spores multiply. When they are reassembled at the host computer, and the exe file is run, the spores are released from the hard drive and infect the luckless user. But unless you click it, you know, you're quite safe."

However, no sooner was the anthrax.exe file identified and isolated, than a new, more virulent strain emerged. This email identifies itself with the subject line "Die screaming in agony, capitalist enemies of Allah" and, thanks to security holes in Microsoft Outlook, will execute on many computers as soon as the email is read. It is now believed to have spread to chat-rooms where it appears as a bearded smiley with Arab headgear and an evil grin on its face.

Antivirus software giants McAffee have studied how the bacterial payload is transmitted and have proposed a number of safety measures. Firstly, cover your computer with fine gauze to prevent any spores from escaping through the fan vent. Secondly, if you are at all concerned that your computer might be affected, hit the fire alarm button and run screaming from the building. Finally, they suggest relocating to Australia or New Zealand until this all blows over. This has been a recorded message, McAffee will reopen when they see bin Laden's cold dead body and not before. Thank you for your kind attention.

The BBC denies any infection of its premises and swears that the armed personnel, locked doors, flashing lights, helicopters and enormous signs reading "Quarantine - Danger of Infection" are merely decorative, and insist that infection through watching television news programmes remains unproven.

4th June 2004

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