Boy born from 21-year-old sperm, drinks beer

A British woman who gave birth to a baby boy using sperm from her husband that was frozen 21 years earlier is now at the centre of an international controversy after she and her son entered a local pub and consumed a total of six pints of Guinness following his birth at a nearby hospital.

Dr. Elizabeth Pease, a consultant in reproductive medicine at St. Mary's Hospital in Manchester where the baby was born, said she believed the age of the sperm made the case a record. That, she said, and the fact that because of a little known English law, the one-year-old infant was born with the right to vote, drink and smoke tobacco.

“In the eyes of Parliament and the Queen, this child is, in fact, a 21-year-old adult with all the rights, responsibilities and entitlements thereof,” said House of Commons legislator Donald Wentingsworth.

When asked for comment on being born an adult, the baby could only make rudimentary “cooing” sounds while blowing bubbles with his saliva. It was not immediately known if the condition was the result of his inability to comprehend human speech or the alcohol he had consumed earlier.

The name of the child has not yet been released, although members of the press core have fondly taken to calling the 8-lb., 6 oz. newborn “Baby Budweiser.”

Baby Bud’s eyes remained closed throughout most of the press conference, something that Pease attributed to the newborn’s sensitive eyes or his .076 BAC.

“Yes, that BAC is quite high even for a 21-year-old, but I mean come on, did you see the size of that pint? It was as big as the little bugger’s entire head,” Pease said. “Besides, there’s no danger to the community - he’s not tall enough to drive yet.”

Doctors in the cryogenic field are hailing the birth as breakthrough for both the medical and beer consuming communities.

“Not only does this prove frozen sperm can create life, it proves that infants can consume at least 6 pints of alcohol before the loss of motor functions,” said Greg Horne, the senior embryologist at St. Mary's Hospital. “I’m preparing a draft for Parliament asking that the drinking age in the United Kingdom be lowered to ‘newborn’ status immediately.”

As of press time, the identity of the proud new parents remained a mystery. Pease said the father had five vials of his sperm "cryopreserved" at the age of 17; before treatment for testicular cancer that left him sterile, but after he got the idea from watching Brendan Fraser “kick ass” in the movie Encino Man.

“The mother wishes to remain anonymous, so we’ll call her Mary S - no wait, that’s not right…who we’ll call M. Sideman - was ecstatic when the second try was successful,” Pease said.

30th June 2004

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