The Government has announced that it is now officially okay to despise, insult and descriminate against fat people. The news, given last week by a relieved looking Home Secretary stated that the overweight are a significant drain on national resources and as such can - and should - be persecuted in as many ways as possible.

Declining an aide's offer of a cream puff, a slightly sweaty and tracksuited David Blunkett told a packed pressroom "There is a section of our community that is, often single-handedly, swamping our high streets, lifts and cinema seats. It is now official Government policy to dislike and resent these people."

It seems the Government is now intending to introduce enforced fitness regimes, taxation on sweeties and will be bowing to public pressure and launching a public enquiry into "who is it, exactly, who ate all the pies?"

Political analyst Simon James spoke to us from his newly-installed treadmill in his plush Mayfair office. "This policy is probably designed to portray the government as strong on tackling important issues whilst simultaneously upsetting no-one (apart from the fat, but then you can't please those red-faced bastards can you?)" panted the slimline 14st pinstriped lobbyist, dabbing his face with a moist towel. "Attacking the overweight could be Labour's big new idea in the run up to the next general election, acceptable. It's populist and a topic on which the Conservatives are seen as weak. Look at Soames. Christ, I think I'm having a heart attack. How do you make this bloody thing stop?"

The policy was arrived at after extensive research, involving phoning the Commission for Racial Equality, the TUC and "a number of other groups of whinging liberals" none of whom were prepared to fight the cause for the flabby, opening the way to singling out the hefty as a legitimate target for public and governmental ire, leading to guilt and prosecution free discrimination of anyone who wobbles excessively whilst in motion.

Noel Qualter, Very Junior Minister for the Acceptable Face of Eugenics told us exactly why fat people had been singled out. "Well sexism is apparently unacceptable nowadays, race relations will get you sacked for telling a lame joke and poor old David Blunkett has been given such a hard time for persecuting immigrants that we just had to find him a new target." Manfully swallowing an avocado Slim-fast he continued "frankly fatties are it – a group that politicians, intellectuals and the tabloid press can unite against without fear. Can you pass the low-calorie water please?"

Meanwhile new legislation is being rapidly drawn up. The new laws will see chocolate reclassified as a class C drug, giving the police the power to confiscate it. Also fat, sugar and any trace of flavour in foods will now be taxed and school head teachers will be given powers to issue random cholesterol tests to pupils. Any child exhibiting a higher than socially acceptable level will be offered counselling, stomach-stapling and mechanical reclamation of fatty tissue from the blood stream. However, there is believed to be no truth to rumours that the new policy also represents a leap forward in the fox-hunting debate."

9th October 2004

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