The UK government has passed a bill which will ban hunting foxes with dogs within two years. This is the third passing of the bill, meaning that the Commons can now force it through the Lords using the 1911 Parliament Act, which has made a couple of people a bit cross.

The vote was a landslide victory, resoundingly demonstrating the national hatred of field sports. This was confirmed in a recent adx poll, where 94% of those asked thought that "killing things is bad", 82% thought "foxes are cute and lovely" and 28% were "fairly sure" that "foxes eat grass".

Hard-line pro-hunter Charles Clackson-Hall, who is the friend of some prince or other, told a rally of supporters that "The government may have won the war, but they haven't won the battle! And that is why I have started our anti-ban pressure group Al-Hunti'da, who will stop at nothing to overthrow this fascist new law!"

Adding "For all you pansies in Parliament Square, I've got a stockpile of live grenades off a mate in the Gulf, so you can stop messing about with fireworks, bottles and other childrens' toys!"

Police officers are pessimistic about the logistics of enforcing the new bill. Chief Constable Chase Bagham of North Yorkshire Police said: "This is ridiculous. We have enough trouble dealing with football hooligans and robbers, and they aren't mounted on horseback with fifty baying hounds! If the hunters defy the bill when it becomes law, there's not really much we could do. How am I supposed to fit twenty riders and a pack of dogs into the back of a squad car?"

Anti-hunt protesters are proposing that Hunt Masters take up "drag hunting", where a man in ladies' clothes lugs a bag of pot pourri across farmland, leaving a scent for the dogs to follow. "It's perfectly logical and the hounds need no extra training," explained campaigner Janice Spoil-Sport, "Because nobody likes pot pourri."

The ban is unlikely to be followed by bans in other such cruel activities as fishing, battery farming and war-mongering because these would be unpopular with voters and the Prime Minister.

Political mediator Johnathan Touchline speculated about why hunting is such an emotive issue; "I don't really know why people get so worked up about it. But they do. There are a lot of people on both sides who would happily wage small-scale civil war to see their point of view upheld. Weird, huh?"

Tony Blair following his victories in the Hutton, top-up fees and Butler shenanigans, was delighted that the bill was passed saying: "The most important thing for both camps to take away from this vote is that we have managed to keep one of our manifesto policies. This is quite an achievement for any political party."

16th October 2004

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