The Government has announced plans to help the low-paid get on the housing ladder with the introduction of "InflatoFlatz". The scheme, a public-private partnership with well-respected housing technology company MassivFraud plc is the brainchild of Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott.

Taking a team of journalists on tour of one of the proposed sites, an ebullient Mr Prescott began "With prices reaching £120,000 for a one bedroom flat in bloody awful Catford of all places, it was clear something had to be done." With that he pulled the string on a small red package, instantly inflating the very first inflatable living unit, to muted applause.

InflatoFlatz, about the size of breadbox when purchased, are sufficient to house two people when fully inflated. Each unit comprises a bedroom, a living room, and a rudimentary toilet area that can be hosed clean in the morning, and they come in a range of exciting plasticky colours. "This is a huge breakthrough," said Simon James of the Association of Estate Agents. "For years there have been millions of people who have no ability to line our pockets, but now everyone can afford to help me pay for my next luxury cruise. I've bought ten already."

InflatoFlatz will initially be on the market for around £10,000, and buyers will be able to inflate their new homes on any of the government-designated areas, paying a small monthly ground-rent. "If the InflatoFlatz are as popular as we anticipate," said Prescott, "We plan to introduce an InflatoHouze with two, three or four bedroom options. Provided inflatable technology continues to advance, there is no reason why we shouldn't have inflatable council estates within five years. Now, every Englishman's house can be his bouncy castle. Wahey!"

Opposition to these plans is lead by building companies Barratts and Laing, who point out that it is impossible to cook, have electricity or even wear shoes in an inflatable flat, and that they would be especially vulnerable to students, eager to replace the traditional traffic cone pranks, with something on a grander scale.

None of these arguments impressed Mr Prescott however. "These flats are so cheap, people will be able to eat out every night," he countered "and I think we British have been far too hung-up on our electricity and foot-wear anyway. Besides, if it all goes, as my officials often say 'completely fooking tits up', we'll just use them as asylum centers and float the bastards straight back to France. We just can't lose."

1st October 2004

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