A recent report into the future of British pensions has revealed that people will either have to work 'til 90, or fall under a bus at 33 in order to have adequate provision in their old age.

The findings show that without an increase in taxes, savings or retirement ages, there will be a £57 billion deficit every year if we attempt to keep pensioners' incomes at current levels.

The committee will only report back solutions next year, in order to give those employed in it another twelve months' contribution to their private pension funds. It will also give the major political parties a good excuse to dodge the issue before the widely-expected General Election next spring. "It's also good," statistician Marvin Wilcox told the press, "because no pensioner will be able to afford food in twelve months' time, so we'll get down to a workable number of OAPs fairly quickly."

We rang policy-makers from all the major political parties, and UKIP. "What we need are more targets," explained a Labour spokesman, while the Tories promised to "cut bureaucracy and civil servants and thus make vast cost savings". The Liberal Democrats agreed that "old people want pensions", whereas UKIP decided that "if we do have to have policies, we will probably stop funding old people since they take billions from the state each year and we get almost nothing back in subsidies from them".

Despite the widespread concern from all parties, however, pensioners are far from happy. One, Ms Clare Timkins, 87, came into our office and gave us her thoughts. "When I were a lass," she explained, "There was none of this 'pension shortfall' rubbish. You did a decent, honest, job and when you retired you got a full old age pension, a pint only cost you three and six and you could spend all day walking down the road without seeing a single German car. I feel sorry for the people who will have to call these the 'good old days'."

If no measures are taken, there are fears that the number of old ladies mugging youths will increase 11% annually. "A lot of this crime is knitting-related," explained Chief Constable Francis Bargle of East Mercia Police, "They need to steal to fund their habit and buy needles. And, what's worse, they can knit balaclavas and other disguises, making them impossible to catch."

* Stories are written as satire and are fictious.

12th October 2004

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