Pressure groups have condemned Government plans to roll out the use of the "abortion pill" claiming that it will lead to an unstoppable tidal wave of sex which will inevitably lead to a "massive growth in abortions."

Peter Dean, head of protest group 'Sex is for marriage, not for pleasure' told The DAILY SPOT, "I never had sex until I married my 22 year old wife at the age of 56. Even after that, I waited six months until I'd been formally introduced to her by her Father and had asked his permission. From that day, I have respected his wishes that sex should be practised a maximum of once a month and only carried out with the sole aim of procreation. I also always ensure that the experience remains as unpleasant for the pair of us as possible. This reasonable approach to sex and marriage has enabled my wife to produce a child regularly every nine months throughout the whole of the 1990's - and strangely even when I was stationed permanently abroad during '96 and '97. Needless to say, we are bringing up healthy well adjusted children who are taught from the earliest age to associate sex with degrading filth that must be purged from the body by vigorous, horrific flagellation."

The Sun agreed, describing the British teenage pregnancy rate as a "national disgrace" and attacking the Government for "subsidising underage sex". "The Government has polluted the minds of our children with their liberal sex education policies. Now it seeks to encourage them further by doling out abortion pills. Join Jordan, Tiffany and their barely legal pals in their petition to 'Stop the Smut' and take sex out of the schoolyard."

Mr Dean went on to outline his group's ideas for reducing the numbers of abortions. "We should be protecting or children by making abortions much harder to come by and only making them available after a protracted waiting period," he explained. "The fact that this pill will be available to women almost immediately on demand will remove vital waiting time allowing women to rue the day they ever had unprotected sex and worry themselves stupid about the dangers of abortion. By removing the delay, this evil pill will mean women can terminate a pregnancy and then immediately get on with their lives without inflicting the lasting mental damage that these brazen harlots so richly deserve."

He also outlined his group's methods for preventing teenage pregnancies by preventing teenage sex. "If youngsters nowadays can't control themselves, we have various preventative techniques to offer. For example, to overcome base animal urges, we recommend a dose of bromide, a bucket of cold water and the application of a large cork or small elastic band to the genital area. If this fails, we can offer our old-fashioned values re-education camps, where teenagers will be distracted by lessons in rough sports, needlework and fervent prayer. If all else fails we shall resort to chaining them in dungeons and whipping their taut naked young buttocks. I usually find that works for me."

21st September 2004

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