In a stunning new development, the mysterious phenomenon of crop circles has finally been solved. The intricate patterns that appear unexpectedly in corn fields are not caused by goat-devouring aliens from Alpha Proxima, strange weather conditions or lots of inebriated, unruly ants, but are merely the Department of Transport's main tool for the designing of complex road junctions and tricky roundabouts.

The Transport Secretary was today forced to admit that his Department was responsible for making all the crop circles in the UK and that the methods were now being used by other countries as a way to design and test difficult road systems. He went on to acknowledge that it was a method that had "no bloody chance whatsoever" of producing effective designs, but the department simply blames failures on "too many cars".

The truth was revealed after a complicated sting operation by Norfolk police. The operation, code-named "Lunch Break", involved many officers staring at fields for long periods of lovely, lovely overtime and eventually succeeded in entrapping five senior strategists from the DOT. They were using "Strange Lights", "Metal Poles" and "A Field" to plan the new A10/A47 interchange. PC Bobby Peeler was busy interrogating the latest copy of "Big Truncheon Weekly" when he noticed the first circle appearing. "There where five figures, all dressed in futuristic bright green donkey jackets making these strange shapes in the wheat, I called for backup and when they failed to immolate us with death rays and we could be sure they were safe, we took them into custody. After beating them round the heads with big truncheons first, obviously".

The team have been revealed as the people behind the fabled "Magic roundabout" in Swindon (designed in 1972 in Oxfordshire barley fields), the bizarre Cycle path network in Cambridge (Oil Seed Rape fields, Sussex 1987) and the new A1/M1 interchange in Leeds (1995, nicked from that Led Zepplin greatest hits CD). The method was first used by the Romans for their roads, and even today most fields show signs of straight road planning, but it is only in recent years as roads have got more and more congested that the designs have become the more complicated crop circle style.

Para-psychologists, scientists and gullible twits the world over have all welcomed the news. Dr Simon James Professor of X-files Studies at Uri Geller University, told us "The great mystery is now totally solved, it's such a relief, I can sleep at night and finally know definitively to file my Erich von Däeniken books under science fiction. Of course, now I must devote my time to researching if planning departments are in fact alien entities and go back to worrying about asteroid strikes. Duck!"

Meanwhile, the news has caused M Night Shyamalan, director of the hit movie "Signs" to announce that he will be reworking the film. Interviewed in the latest issue of Time Magazine he says "This news renders the documentary style of my movie ridiculous, so I will be doing a director's cut of the film". The new version "Road Signs" should be available on DVD in time for Christmas and will use advanced digital special effects to re-cast Mel Gibson as an anti-road protestor, with a nice arse, who is harassed and molested by a group of road planners using 'Strange lights', 'Metal Poles' and 'His Field' to test designs on a new contraflow system for the Manhattan road network.

29th September 2004

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