Health Secretary Dr John Reid is to introduce a bill in parliament making it compulsory for less attractive women to attend their local pub every evening. The bill is in response to pub landlords who believe that far more product is consumed when men are forced to drink these women presentable.

Women in turn will be placed into categories according to their undesirability. Scales will run from a fairly acceptable rum and coke to an unsightly quart of vodka.

New Labour see this as a compromise in the fox hunting stand-off. Gorgeous women are generally referred to as "foxes" and this bill will effectively ban fox hunting and I suppose encourage hunting the dogs instead. There's a turn up for the books eh?

The government has, as it did with the terrorism issue, produced a pamphlet on the subject. In it outlines the dangers of alcohol poisoning as a result of overeagerness among young male pub goers.

If for example a target should require a decalitre of cheap wine to make it presentable then you are asked to consider whether homosexuality is perhaps not the more logical solution. Perhaps entering a monastery.....

Of course some of these women have nice personalities. Don't let me catch anyone sniggering, it is a wonderful quality in a girl...that someone else has drunk acceptable, not for me I'm afraid, I'm a belter man myself.

Some of you, particularly those whose callouses are bad enough without this development, will blame the government. I mean it's bad enough with them interfering in the schools, tuition fees, traffic penalties and many other areas WHERE THEY SHOULD KEEP THEIR UNWELCOME NOSES OUT OF.

This is just so much more of a nanny state : But that is where you're wrong, unless of course it's a particularly unsightly nanny who pops in for a quick one after work.

Of course the government has not considered that this may in fact constitute a health risk. Some of these women are so bad that you would have to be semi-comatose to approach one. What then are the chances you will be sober enough to remember a condom?

One bit of good news is that some of them are in fact award winners. One in Maidstone for example is the 2003 Cruffts Dog of the Year, Dogmore Hurdler 2002 and Cruffts Allcomers Winner 2004.

In addition if they should soil your carpet you can shove their noses in it. One chap said his improved after a visit to the turd.

Anyhow cheer up, you can always pop over to the continent for a decent bit of crumpet and a cup of tea. Either that or enter a monastery...

12th September 2004

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