Following on from a number of deaths and injuries on various mountains, including last year's helicopter crash on Everest, the Government has announced that it will be adopting a set of laws to ban mountaineering based on its "massively successful" drugs policy.

The ban will "protect individuals from themselves," claimed the Home Secretary, David Blunkett, speaking at the launch of the new policy. Mr Blunkett, explained that the activities involved "unacceptable risks" to the "reckless and wanton" individuals who indulge in recreational climbing. "They may feel that they are simply indulging in a personal pleasure that doesn't harm wider society, but who has to pick up the pieces when they fall off a mountain or slip on an icy glacier? The tax payer, that's who," intoned Mr Blunkett darkly. "It is obvious that the only way to protect these people and society at large from their callous irresponsible clambering is to declare it illegal and force these evil doers underground. Which reminds me, I must look into pot holing, too."

The new policy identifies different mountain ranges and classifies them according to a set of criteria including height, steepness and difficulty of ascent. Class A ranges, such as the Himalayas or Andes, will carry higher penalties than Class B ranges, such as the Pyrenees. These in turn will carry a custodial sentence higher than Class C escarpments, which include the South Downs, Ongar Hill and several large slag heaps in Yorkshire. However, a furious international row has already broken out regarding the classification of the French Alps which Mr Blunkett has classified as "smaller than Ben Nevis and not really worth bothering about" whilst the French have insisted that the Eiffel Tower is excluded as providing an essential medical function to the "national psyche"

The Government has acknowledged that the policy may hurt a number of poor regions, including South America, Afghanistan and Eastern Europe, who benefit from their status of "mountain growing communities." However, Mr Blunkett has pointed out the harm the communities do by encouraging the use of "hard rock" and has promised to provide financial assistance for mountain replacement policies. These include helping local communities to pull down "addictive and dangerous" rockfaces and replace them with facilities acceptable to the west, such as theme parks or take away restaurants.

Reports have already started of networks of criminal gangs moving in to offer abseiling, hiking and "full scale climbing" to addicts. Dealers offer a cocktail of "highs" to users and the Government is especially worried that soft activities, such as hill-walking, could be used to lead people into harder recreations. It has promised to put money into replacement therapies such as gymnasiums or home-fitness machines.

Reports continue to flood in of desperate mountaineers indulging in burglaries and muggings to obtain money to support thier habit and international gangs setting up money laundering services and prostitution rings with the cash generated from the supply of illegal climbs. However, the Government declared itself "unutterably satisfied" with the success of the new policy and has promised to bring forward legislation to prohibit other risky solo activities including shot putting and long jumping as well as taking "a good hard look at masturbation, yum."

13th September 2004

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