Right wing religious foundation "The Church of the Christian Ejaculation" confirmed today that it was launching a television network of pornography "solely dedicated to praising the Lord spiritually, orally and, most especially, anally"

"The problem for most men looking for pornography is that they get ripped off by Satan loving fraudsters," explained the Reverend Chris Jones, lead pastor and chief spiritual advisor to the female congregation of the church. "A man is promised a show featuring a woman, a donkey and battery operated egg whisk and what does he get? Some grainy, communist East European video featuring an agricultural worker and a cookery lesson. It's a damn liberty, if you'll excuse my language."

Mr Jones explained that with "Praise the Lord Pornography" the public will know that the operation is run by "honest, God-fearing white folk" who are as good as their word and keep their promises. Mr Jones went on to assure the public that when his company promised "a gang-bang featuring 15 Nuns and 5 Altar Boys, that's exactly what they'll get. And our re-enactment of Christ's entry into Jerusalem on an ass features no-holds-barred animal action with Mary Magdalene."

In response to criticisms that pornography had no place in the Christian religion, Mr Jones demurred, asking "What could be more saintly or holy than the physical expression of love between two people. So it follows that the sexual act between 15 people and a few of the Lord's other creatures has got to be even holier." He also promised that actors won't just be restricted to the missionary position, but would be utilising the full range of positions from his organisation's "Christian karma sutra", including the beatitude blow-job, the gospel gang bang and the ascension anal adventure.

Mr Jones also promises to do away with "rough language and explicit sexual references, unless in an artistically valid context". Instead, Praise the Lord Pornography shall offer quotations from the bible and frequent use of the Lord's name to emphasise the Godliness of the actors and their activities. Examples include, "God that's good", "Jesus you're big" or, "as it says in the Song of Solomon, 'Spray your man paste in my open mouth, you horny love God'"

The DAILY SPOT spoke to one of the actresses from the videos, Sister Roxanne Hart of the formerly Virginal Sisters of Christ. "It certainly makes a change from cleaning and baking Eucharist bread," she confirmed. "I was a little nervous at first but then Father Jones reminded me that sex outside marriage is not recognised by the church and so this doesn't really count as sex and can't be a sin. And of course the bible make no reference at all to lesbianism, so I can do that in my spare time as well as on camera."

The videos themselves take their plotlines from the sensitive re-telling of beloved biblical scenes. "The resurrection is a special favourite of mine," smiled Mr Jones. "You wouldn't believe how quickly he can rise again after he's been nailing her." In other storylines, the parting of the Red Sea is revealed as an obvious metaphor for Moses deflowering a virgin Egyptian princess and the parable of the wise and foolish virgins shows how foolish they get with the twelve disciples after Jesus tries out his water into wine trick.

Praise the Lord Pornography will also be offering internet based services including the confessional cam, an on-line web camera where penitents can phone in and request Catholic high school girls to act out their sins and beg for forgiveness and punishment. In an unrelated move, the Vatican has reportedly just ordered 2000 internet consoles and the "worlds biggest broadband link, God save us All."

23rd September 2004

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