The London mayor's office has announced a radical new plan to deal with the ever-increasing traffic congestion facing the city. Between 2005 and 2007, all tube services will be phased out and the tunnels will be converted to underground cycle lanes.

This solution was reached after the problems of traffic congestion were referred to world-class think tank It Sounds Crazy But They Laughed At Edison Didn't They Eh? headed up by Professor S James. "We have spent three years researching this," James told us, trying to do wheelies and ringing his bell, "and this is the culmination of our efforts. We've considered everything else and in the end we kept coming back to cycling. It works wonderfully in cities like Amsterdam and Hong Kong, but it is just too dangerous and wet in London for people to consider cycling. Suddenly we realised that forcing people to change their transport method is a lot easier than persuading them. Then everything fell into place. We are ridding ourselves of the cost of the tube network and separating the cyclists from the traffic all in one fell swoop."

Critics claim that the plan will cause chaos, citing calculations that show that the tube is far more efficient than bicycle tunnels could ever be. James, still wheeling around on his BMX racer, dismissed these claims saying, "Oh come off it, when they aren't late, they're on bloody strike, and they're cramped and smelly and awful. Look - no hands!" The innovative plan encompasses several new ideas that, according to experts, will revolutionise modern transport. Cycle tunnels will have fans directing air in the direction of travel to reduce drag and padded sides to reduce the risk of injuries in the case of accidents. The existing ticketing areas will be converted to bicycle parking. Plans are in place to make the transition from overground cycling to underground cycling as easy as possible. The tunnels will be well lit with realistic above ground scenery painted on the walls. There will also be a system of permanently red traffic lights which cyclists will be expected to ignore.

Keen cyclist Tim Peddler who was thrust before us by a beaming Dr James told us, in a monotone "I believe that cycling is the greatest most under-rated form of human transport yet devised and I welcome Dr James' plan and any other cycling-related schemes he might come up with in the future. Do I get my twenty pounds now?"

However, the news has not been well received by unions who are behind the strikes that have been plaguing the tube. Union officials have been demanding to know what will happen to the jobs of the London Underground staff. Responding to this James said, "Frankly, I can't be arsed about their jobs. I've had it with the lot of them. Tossers!" After a brief whispered conversation with his aids he continued, "Obviously the welfare of the underground staff is of primary concern to us. We are in discussions with the various national rail networks to transfer all tube staff to the national railway networks."

On being told his response, Union bosses immediately announced "a series of strikes."

30th September 2004

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